Will the marvels of modern medicine ever cease?

Using several federal research grants, a team from the North City Medical Research Institute have finally perfected a method of installing small money printing machines in human orifices. Amazingly, these new micro-printers are capable of churning out several legal tender bills per second (as long as the host has kept up with their dietary fiber content requirements). This has lead to a whole new era in federal politics where office holders can now print money at will anytime, anywhere. Dollar dominations are easily set by a downloadable phone app. Many office holders are saying that doling out money to their pet projects and campaign supporters has never been easier. “We are saving taxpayers lots of money by bypassing loads of paperwork and just giving out money directly. And this new system also has the added benefit of helping politicians lose weight and stay more regular.”

Spokesmen for the project told NCN reporters, “Researchers have found that most politicians and most of the voting public really have no idea where money comes from anyway. Now they can know exactly where it is coming from.”

Obviously ensuring public confidence in the money supply has to be a top priority for this new technology. Researchers want the public to know that safeguards have been put in place to assure the financial safety and security. “We want to assure the public that safeguarding this technology is at the forefront of our priorities. We don’t want this machine to end up in the hands (or asses) of any criminal elements.”

One house member quipped, “It used to be called a slush fund, now we are calling it the flush fund.” Taxpayers should see the fruits of this project start to drop some time in the new year.

Now that this top priority project has been completed North City researchers say they can go back their other projects like finding a cure for cancer and addressing childhood obesity.